I do not use twitter nor do I endorse it. I feel twitter is both a distraction and an embarrassment to both the NBA and NFL. For some reason the MLB doesn’t have that big of an issue with it because it’s such a long season and there really is no time for distractions- unless we’re a year ago from today and Melky Cabrera and Robinson Cano are buying me shots of Crown Royale at a local Manhattan haunt while slumping.

My intrusive point is in the wake of some complete no-name getting his rightful dues from Mike Greenburg I feel like Twitter completely disservices the media. All Twitter is, is a complete melange of hearsay. A Texas Tech player had his page revoked for insulting his coach on being late to a meeting. Twitter itself is just weapon used for opportunistic folks who wish to live in the moment. Every twitter is a future redaction and quite frankly I’m sick of it, but only in sports. I mean I try to impress the ladies, but I’m not going to ‘tweet’ when I strike out. Musicians, I feel, have the best results on twitter where they can display the hilarity of their everyday lives in a universe where their lives are more a stereotypical forum of ridiculousness.

WE, the FANS, look to our franchises to produce and to produce effectively is to be focused. Good for the awesome Rex Ryan to bench that clown Clowney for tweeting the slightest bit of gripe about playing time on twitter. It has no place and I don’t care to ear about it. I am for free speech, but certain aspects and expectations come when you’re a pro athlete and these things ARE expected of you. I’m not saying you have to surrender certain rights when you become a pro athlete, but at the same time I am saying that you DO have to fall in line with the envy of the people that will never get the chance to fill your shoes.

I agree, seeing a Chad Ochocinco tweet after a TD would be hilarious, but the media shitstorm it would produce would be massive. The, at one time, incredibly under-appreciated Joe Horn once whipped out a cellphone and placed a call to his KIDS and earned the public ire of pretty much everyone. I agree that Twitter could have its place in sports. However, it shouldn’t be a forum for complaining and displaying misgivings, but if it could reach the upper echelon of celebration like he above I would be totally supportive. It should not be a tool of a malice, but a tool to keep in touch with the fans. The faults of TWITTER rely on the usage of its users. If the users can get past themselves and embrace the community that Twitter has created it can flourish. However, most people use it for the asinine reasons of self-promotion which is bullshit rather than to network (its true use) which is the downfall of its effectiveness in sports.

More serious notes:

The Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim of Planet Earth in the Milky Way Galaxy won the Western Division of the American League. Oh, and they also soaked the jersey of pitcher Nick Adenhart in beer and champagne during their win. Adenhart died, tragically, on April 9th, 2009 after being stuck by an allegedly drunk driver. Many people are criticising the actions of the Angels as a whole, but I, however, do not condemn them as you may think I would. The Angels are doing nothing but keeping the memory alive. If Adenhart were there he would be a 22 year old phenom joining in on the celebration. Rather than brining the elation down a notch the Angels chose to embrace Adenhart as if he were still a living member of the team. I am not pondering insensitivity here I am embracing the human emotion. I feel that it is better to embrace Adenhart as a living member of the ball club rather than relive the tragedy of his death. What people are forgetting in this situation is that the entire Angels team continues to trot out to the outfield after their celebration to pay tribute to Nick Adenhart’s number on their outfield wall with every member touching it as a sign of respect. It was a truly touching and triumpant moment in sports and it should not be condemned as a sullied reputation for the Angels, but rather a celebration of a truly great young man. RIP Nick Adenhart because in all seriousness you were a mere year younger than myself and any of us, no matter what age could be next and I think I share the sentiments of all of us out there that we would love our brothers, sisters, mothers and fathers to live in our memory.

IN SINCERITY WE ALL SHOULD PAY OUR RESPECTS

In other facets of media

Anyway my schedule was a bit harsh these past couple of weeks with trying to get back into fighting shape and driving all over Long Island a couple of days a week. To say the least it was worth it, but we also need to do a bit of catching up. Why, you ask. Well, I’ll keep it simple I just want to show I’m a gentleman and let you get to know me before I drug your drink; that way I think we’re in a real relationship. If all goes to plan it won’t be weird when we run into one another at a bar and you think you might remember me from somewhere.

So let’s jump right on into it and kick like the days our parents came to terms they were having us-AWKWARD AND TENSE!

Speaking of tough decisions I just have no idea how the Carolina Panthers and Washington Redskins have seemingly chosen not to abort their quarterback situations. If that were me I’d be inhaling Plan B like they were orange tic-tacs (seriously, don’t make me get into that movie) something that tasted really good- like acid.

First up, the Carolina Panthers. The Panthers it seems have always been on the cusp of achieving greatness only for it all to be thrown away by Jake Delhomme. Personally, I always thought that Delhomme was an overrated mediocre mess who could never come through in the big game anyway. The thing that really grinds my gears is how Carolina is willing to give that choke-artist a literal boat-load of money while not realizing how much better Steve Smith made him. When reached for comment Steve Smith, of course, casually strolled up, waved a smile and punched me square in the face, breaking my nose (ESPN). Wait…what? Real Journalism?

Anyway through week 2 Delhomme had thrown something like 9 picks in his last three games including last year’s playoffs. I just can’t even fathom a feasible reason to keep this guy around, I honestly can’t. The worst part is the Panthers may have to because Matt Moore is nothing short of terrible. They may find themselves in a Dolphins-esque quarterback scenario of two years ago- which is best summed up as a revolving door of terrible journeyman culminating in the activation of the doorman paid to greet them.

The Redskins, on the other hand, are even more interesting. They lost to the Lions, I repeat, THEY LOST TO THE GODDAMN LIONS. The same Lions that were 0-18 heading into Sunday’s game beat:

Laron Landry, Santana Moss, Chris Cooley, Albert Haynesworth (always injury plagued and who got carted off the field, but hey let’s throw 100 million at the guy and set our houses on fire), Antwaan Randle-El, CLINTON PORTIS, and co.

The most fabulous factor of the Redskins is how they should never, ever be terrible, but always wind up coming through. Now, I know, Jason Campbell is with his third o-coordinator in 5 years and that’s all good until you look at the fact that the guy’s been in the league for HALF A DECADE and steadily displays that he never progresses as a player. Now, I would never leave my girlfriend alone with him, but Colt Brennan showed some real potential in last year’s pre-season (not so much this one). They guy doesn’t hold all those college records for nothing (well, technically he may because he hasn’t proven himself in the NFL) so I think it may be time to just give him a shot. Oh, he’s third on the depth chart you say, you smug bastard, well they lost to the fucking Lions so there’s that.

Campbell does have a strong arm, but that sure doesn’t help his decision making and especially his decision making under pressure (which in emergencies it should, ala Brett Favre (not even going to discuss his game winning play). I think the era of Zorn and Campbell need to go the way of the DoDo in Washington. However, everyone who has already covered this has gotten it right. It’s not that Zorn sentimentally means to much to the Redskins it is that he means too much physically as he has somehow found his niche as being omni-present; thusly, making it close to impossible to replace him quickly and with 13 more weeks it doesn’t look good for Washington.

Elsewhere, the Jets are now 3-0 and as are the Giants. Big Blue completely shutdown the Tampa Bay Bucs, but who cares- they suck and suck hard.

It needs to be said I am still a fan and follower of Big Blue

BUT HOT DAMN:

The Jets are fun to watch and their coach even better to listen to. Rex Ryan has rejuvenated a team that was pulled from mediocrity by an aging quarterback and a somehow sadder walrus than Mike Holmgren. These boys are fun to watch and it’s nice to see that Mark Sanchez is playing the role of some pretty bitch New York QB and taking the hard road with his dive into the endzone (he got pooooounded by the way). Broadway Joe was huge in New York, but he’s old and shit now. It’s Dirty Sanchez time and luckily I already have an awesome mustache so I won’t be needing a new one anytime soon.

In other sports such as baseball

The Yankees clinched (LOOK WHAT 120 MILLIONS DOLLARS CAN BUY, booooring)

The Mets still continue to meltdown and pretty much take are the worst thing since the Kansas City Royals stopped playing organized baseball after the 2001 season. Wait, they still PLAY?!? Also, I know, look what 120 Million dollars can buy? A whole bunch of decaying, injured shit. Now you’re probably saying, ‘But kind sir, how can shit get injured’. In which case, I retort, ‘Dude, i don’t know’.

The Tigers and Twins played an awesome day/night double header today with Minnesota pulling out the first win to fall one back of the Le Tigres for a share of the AL Central. See, it would be exciting if the Twins weren’t a bunch of no-names that still played in the fucking MetroDome or if the Tigers weren’t from Detroit. Has no one made the connection that, ironically, the shittiness of the MetroDome could be seen as an allegory to the state of the city of Detroit?

Anyway, I hope you enjoyed this rather lengthy post and I will try to stop bedding everything that comes my way so I can get these inane sports ramblings out to you on the regular again. I know I missed Viking Funnel-All, but I was watching Major League and interrupting Bob Uecker is more or less praising the Devil.

Sure, but when I wore this to my local grade school's playground last week it wasn't all fun and games

Citi Field, let me tell you, the Pepsi Porch is far better than I could have even imagined. Although the fans aren’t rowdy even though the beers are literally right behind you, it is still one hell of a place to watch a game. It’s kind of odd to be literally on top of the game and to wonder what is going on when the rightfielder seemingly disappears right under your feet, but it also places emphasis on how hard it is to find a bad seat in Citi Field.

Also, when I mention that the fans aren’t rowdy for a major reason. Granted, like this blog, I was boisterous and, at times, lewd. However, the only time I caught the public ire of many family members was when I merely booed some relief pitcher. This really caught me off guard because in my booze-induced haze I seriously had the thought- Wait? What if this woman is that pitcher’s mother? But then I said to myself ‘Those are some really shitty seats to be giving to your mom’.

The Mets somehow pulled out a win, but the pace of the game really threw me off. We showed up in the second inning and it truly felt like the game was a mere two hours long. Again, I blame the urgings of Citi Field for this. With so much encouragement to get up out of your seat (I’m sure to the elation of all around me) it really wastes a lot of game time. When you stand up in the second inning it seems you return in the 7th and it is because there really is so much to see at Citi Field.  Since the game seemed to fly on by we decided to take in some of the Manhattan bar scene and let me tell you

HOT DAMN DO I HATE HIPSTERS.

Now I’m no upstanding gentleman, but I consider myself nice enough and even cultured enough but this whole anti-establishment, pro-nihilsm (which believe my ass, I am for) thing with hipsters goes againt what they’re supposed to represent and is the most shallow facade ever. It just irks me to know that someone who is trying to live an easy going lifestyle is giving me some condescending looks because they got picked on by some football player in high school. It makes no sense to rebel against something while becoming the same exact something in a different spectrum. So this made me develop my ‘hipster counter’. Anytime I saw a hipster it had to be pointed out that I was, in fact, seeing a hipster. It was sweet. Almost as sweet as

MCSORELY’s…I give major ups to this joint for not only being the oldest bar in New York, but for also being the last to allow women to enter. Ba-zing. Anyway, I was unsure at first about the atmosphere wherein I am quite a large misanthrope, but then I realized, ‘Hey, I’m WASTED, I love people and love making new friends’. Unfortunately for those ‘new friends’ they were 40-something year olds who just got seated with a 20-something career binge drinker and inquistive master of puns (self-described, but, hey). Needless to say, it went swimmingly, up until we left and my good friend and girlfriend (how does she stick around? WELL WHY THE FUCK IS THE SKY BLUE?) got pizza and completely passed out in the parlor only to be awoken by water being thrown in my predominately chiseled jawline.

That brings us up to Sunday:

Obviously I was hurting and hurting pretty badly, but then I went out got food and stopped in my local blockbuster and totally picked up ‘Scanners‘ for five bucks, so eat that!

I know I’ve said it before and I will say it again, these New York Jets and Rex Ryan are really making me a fan. Mark Sanchez looked good and my girlfriend also said his abs did as well, but then she had to shower? Anyway, I’m really not trying to hop on this bandwagon, surprisingly, but I’m happy for Jets fans. The Jets haven’t necessarily been miserable for awhile, but they were definitely headed down early 90s-Buffalo Bills territory. I like the swagger of the new coach which can pretty much be summed up in- I don’t care, talk shit, because we like to stomp shit. I agree Sanchez looks good and this team is really calling back to last year in Baltimore (where Ryan was): a great ‘D’, decent running game, and, at times, calling on the quarterback to step up, but not necessarily forcing him to. I also think that it is bullshit to call Belicheck the greatest coach out there because the guy is possibly the most unsportsmanlike guy in pro sports. The shady, shitty handshake he doles out at the end of losses is pathetic. It irks me that a guy that demands so much respect can’t give a little out here and there.

The Giants looked pretty good too, you know, aside from their ineffectiveness in the ‘Red Zone’. The Giants are in the ‘Red Zone’ like I am when I get a girl to go some with me. Somehow Eli Manning is proving his worth by turning out 300+ passing yards, which upon hearing on ESPN radio this morning almost caused me to promptly t-bone the next car I saw in an intersection.

Jay Cutler found his happy place as his sugar levels grew three times that of a normal man yesterday. Cutler looked like the Denver Cutler- throwing off his back foot, across his body, and just solid gun-slinging while somehow getting completions to help lead the Bears to victory over the Steelers. The Steelers, by default, gain my personal disdain by being from Pennsylvania and perhaps being the most vanilla team out there aside from the Patriots.

Who really would have thought this Dolphins-Colts game would be this solid? Also, in my personal opinion, the Colts are starting a pretty big down turn.

This Was Actually My High School Yearbook Picture with the Laser Background edited out.

Oh, what a day, what a world.

NBA Tune-Up news first:

Gilbert Arenas AKA Agent 0, pun-related ‘Agent ASSHOLE (because that’s what a 0 looks like)’ has come out to berate the Wizards for letting him try to comeback twice from knee surgery. Arenas has put himself in an indefensible spot here. It doesn’t make the Wizards look bad at all if you use bona fide logic and don’t rest on your laurels of being a multi-millionaire douche. Like Michael Crabtree, Arenas displays an entitled-bat-shit-insane persona, whereas Chad Ocho Cinco could do this same bullshit and it would be hilarious. Arenas says that the Wizards should have stepped in and told him to take it easy and make him sit, but using the aforementioned logic who knows what kind of shitstorm of bitching and moaning this guy would have caused if the Wizards were to repeatedly turn down his comeback attempts. Arenas has said that he is ready to go; so my question is: How is this really different from the past two seasons? Your move, Agent 0.

Lurid, lurid football news:

I hate to say it, but I’m definitely digging Rex Ryan’s approach to the Jets. He tells it like it is without over-emphasis or trying to take a jab at anyone. Everyone in New York knows that when the Patriots come to town it usually is almost a guaranteed loss. However, Ryan, may just be the most knowledgeable of this and refuses to ‘kiss Belicheck’s rings’ which is not only an awesome comment, but the hard-nosed truth. I hate Belicheck probably more than the next guy, the way he wears those ratty hoodies; was a complete douche to Mangina, somehow hasn’t been blacklisted for spying on the Dolphins, and is the most toolish coach out there. The guy is a drone just like his robotic quarterback Tom Brady, the guy is a robot.

What’s the best way to forget a promising football career shrouded in injury and falling way short of expectations? Well, how should I know? Instead let’s ask our boy Charles Rogers.

Charles, ‘Well, occifer, I’mma have to say party was bumpin, did you see where I left the car keys?’

Officer ‘In your ignition, Mr. Rogers’

Charles, ‘You got an iPhone at the station for my one phone call, I’m a former first rounder ba……zzzzzzzzzzz’

Somewhere, the Goodell signal went out and Roger froze all of Rogers’ assets and funds and suspended him from living.

Speaking of failed wide receivers, oh, hey Hank Baskett it looks like you and Kendra Wilkinson will start a new life in Indianapolis, you lucky devils. Of course, I’m lying Indiana blows. Seriously, have fun drinking and watching cars go round and round. Indiana is so ass-backwards the best thing to come out of it was the greatest white BASKETBALL player ever.

Seriously, I’m exhausted, I’m out.

I'm pretty sure this can almost make up for it

I do apologize, I’m just wicked in the zone for the It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia premiere tonight. I’ve already given up on controlling my bowels.

Aside from that:

WHAT DID I TELL YOU?!? The Buffalo Bills found some way just short of WIDE Right to lose by one point to the New England Patriots. My dad always says the Mets find new ways to lose, but he’s old and smoke cigarettes, so what does he know? However; on the other hand, the Buffalo Bills really know how to lose a football game. Terrell Owens was Mr. Irrelevant as I bestowed upon him yesterday and Tom Brady picked up his game, of course, during the 2-minute drill. The Bills, contrarily, should run a two minute drill simply titled: HOLD ONTO THE F@%*ING BALL subtitled: Take a Touchback, You Epic Douche, Starring Leodis McKelvin.

Things that surprised me:

The first time I got laid. You should note by me saying first time it implies it has happened since then as well.

Also, the Oakland Raiders somehow showed up looking like a football team last night. It was throwback night because Monday Night Football is like 40 or something that I don’t care about because I’m Generation X and disrespect my elders. Anyway, aside from my horribly mis-spent youth, the Raiders came out hitting hard. It turns out Darren Sproles scores the winning touchdown (SPOILER ALERT), but he got laid out at some point in the game that I was hoping the highlight would show, but it didn’t, bummer (there is a pretty hilarious candid part around 2:55 that is so monotone and the delivery is so off it kills me). People were picking the Chargers to get to the Super Bowl which I officially denounce because any team that can make Jamarcus Russell look not only good, but skinny does not deserve such a thing.

Fun facts: I’m not the only who has the interested fading in baseball. ESPN reports that the Yankees will open and close at the Red Sox NEXT season. REALLY?!? The season’s already too long, football is on, play the world series and leave me be.

And someone who’s gotta be bummin’ this week: Jonny Flynn not only did he play ball a mere half hour from where I also attended college he has been thoroughly impressive in camps, but the lowly T’Wolves copped Ramon Sessions to replace the huge gaping void left by Ricky Rubio. Hey, wait a minute….

It could be worse though they could have had more faith in Rubio than he Bears had in Jay Cutler, hot damn was he absolutely terrible. My guess, not enough Manergy orrrrr insulin.

Someone Needs a Few Sugar Cubes

First off, i think it needs to be discussed: Is this really happening in New England right now? Now I’m pretty sure the Bills are going to be exactly like myself: when I find a new hoodrat to slay and impress at first and come up just short in the end. Tom Brady is looking a few bit off, but I think by week 3 this team will be rollin’ right on along. What’s even more shocking is that the Bills have A) not passed once to new Mr. Irrelevant Terrell Owens and B) don’t have walking mugshot Marshawn Lynch for means of complete intimidation.

Elsewhere in week 1 the Giants and Jets which is all tubular, I guess, if I didn’t want to hate Mark Sanchez so much (but can’t because he is so awesome, he’s like John Tucker). Eli proves he’s worth the money he is making mediocrity, but is one lucky sonuvabitch by throwing three passes right into the waiting hands of a Redskins (soooo offensive) defensive back only to have them blatantly drop it. Those defensive backs, I tell ya’ I bet they got chewed out or scalped; to each their own. Steve Smith and Mario Manningham impressed and Hakeem Nicks proved to everyone he can ride the bench perhaps better than Sinorice Moss.

DID SOMEONE MENTION A MOSS?!?

Because Corey Webster forearm shivered the shit out of Santana Moss who jumped around like the springy 5’9″ tough guy you’d expect to be a sidekick to Dee-bo.I always thought if you have a sweet name like Santana that rhymes with Katana you should definitely know how to defend yourself (especially from freak Ninja attacks).

Is someone hurt? Bring out the ambulllllllllllance.

HB Toss Your Life Away

Donovan ‘Donnie Football’ McNabb- Wow, Donnie, you shocked even me by deciding to shit the bed this early in the season. Now, McNabb is saying he may be ready for Sunday and I will actually commend him surprisingly enough. Contrary to everything I say about Donovan McNabb the guy has played hurt, but not sick- he just acted like a bitch in the Super Bowl. Hilariously enough, the Eagles signed Jeff Garcia as an insurance policy which is coommmmmmplete bullshit because Garcia is just about ready to cash in his social security checks and life insurance policy. I hate Jeff Garcia, but perhaps a little less that Terrell Owens does (he called him gay, bro). Garcia has one good three-quarters of a season as a back up to McNabb AND THEN NEVER SHOWED ANYTHING RESEMBLING THAT PROMISE EVER AGAIN. I honestly don’t think Kevin Kolb is even that bad, but seriously, fuck that guy, Goodell bring back Vick early. Also the Eagles are trying to shop Hank Baskett to make room for Garcia; for fucking real guys? Baskett is one of your top receivers and you’re going to let him go for some schmuck you may not even have to play. Your move Filthadelphia, but if you move Baskett I bet that kid he threw up in Kendra Wilkinson will be pumped that he didn’t have to live and be raised in Filthadelphia only to be up and moved to Bel-Air.

Brian Urlacher dislocated his wrist and that just goes to show you- NEVER WEAR PARIS HILTON AS A HAND PUPPET.

I think it’s pretty obvious that baseball season is kind of fading from the perspective again. I just can’t really sit by and watch the Yankees battle the Bosox in the ALCS again and pretend to actually care. The Dodgers will find some awesome Mets-esque way to lose and that will pretty much be that.

Sweet news brah!

Tila Tequila showed up to the DA most likely obliterated and/or hungover and was quickly dismissed as being a skank on the verge of slander and was quickly denied a case. This futher proves my previous post and I will, therefore, take the high road and say HA!

Like You Expected Anything Else

Allen Iverson says this year is ‘so personal’. So, my guess is this is the year he proves how selfish he is in highs in turnovers and lows in assists, minutes played, and highs in Technical Fouls and Technical Fouls are sweet:

T'ed UP!

Blacked out NFL games will be online delay: In a year of such a downturn in the economy I actually praise this. The PCLs and other exorbitant prices I commend the NFL for taking the actual step to allow fans to still enjoy the games. San Diego is in dire straits because they have a good team but their stadium is a shit hole. It’s both true and tragic. Over the years football has definitely extended its lead over baseball in the aspect of being ‘America’s Game’. It is good to see that the league will still permit itself to be the love of the nation rather than catch it’s public ire, unlike the ladies who see with my pants off wherein I earn their pubic ire.

In NFL NEWS: It fucking opened tonight and it is SWEEEEEEEET. I recently joined WithLeather’s pool and I think you should do the same. Not only does it cut the effort of fantasy football in half, but i think it actually requires more ‘in the dark’ strategy than normal fantasy football. It’s good to see how functional of an alcoholic Kerry Collins can be againt the Steelers because all it does is give me hope.

This is your Viking Funnel-All and it’s what I’m sticking with. For all those interested we have a special birthday to celebrate tomorrow so let’s drink up.

I know I didn’t bitch about the Mets today and that is because I will be visiting Citi Field again one week from Saturday so I’ll be reporting very unwisely from there in a week.

Much love and much inappropriateness for the week and a half to come for all.

HAHA KITTY!

Now, I know tequila and it can lead to some crazy nights, but there is no way that I can’t disagree with Merriman’s assessment of the night that he ‘thought Tequila was too intoxicated to leave/drive’. I always got the vibe that Tequila was often too drunk to live, much less act in some way human. My guess is that Tequila is some sort of faulty Terminator prototype. ALSO the fact of the matter is that if Shawne Merriman did tear this up on the regular it’s a modern miracle she is alive and/or not bisected in half like Mel Gibson’s wife in ‘Signs’.

Holy Hell, There's a Freight Train Coming (DOUBLE ENTEDRE ACTION!)

Elsewhere, Allen Iverson signed with the Grizzlies?!? I mean it’s a damn shame to see someone like Iverson’s career come to a head the way it did. Everyone always thought that Iverson was an amazing basketball player and I was one of them. However, it is not exactly difficult to see the massive flaws in his game. He is too selfish and too flashy (which is a trait I look for in scantily clad women). It became more than apparent in his time with Denver and then only worked further against him in Detroit. However, perhaps this can reflect well on both OJ Mayo and Michael Conley, Jr. because they’re both ready to take it to the next step and maybe Iverson can get passed himself himself and teach these two a thing or two to take them there.

The Mets somehow are NOT mathematically eliminated from the wild card spot, but as I often state Math is for people from Harvard and Cops who calculate BAC which is totally weak. In the totally inefficient ineptitude of Jerry Manuel he places Carlos Beltran, who was less than stellar in his rehab stints, directly back in the cleanup spot. The Mets needed to call up someone from Williamsport to run this team or bring back Bobby Valentine to make my day.

FINALLY, FOOTBALL SEASON kicks back up tomorrow and I figured you guys/gals may just get a few drunken posts on Sundays. For the cynics out there YOU WILL DEFINITELY GET DRUNKEN POSTS.

Much love for sticking around and as always drink one for the fallen Mets and challenge a friend to DAS BOOT for the fallen Rays. What a shitheap this baseball season has become for me.

Apparently Brandon Marshall’s intrigue has piqued in Jets camp, but they are not willing to deal their starting LB Harris. Now, check me if I am wrong because most times I am- remember Vegas in ’07 boys when Matty totally tagged the trannie hooker, but knew she was guy beforehand? Yeah, well neither do I, I’ve never been in Vegas because A) I’m a total prick and B) my parents raised a total prick and finally C) I honestly don’t need any more of reason to engage in debauchery than I already do.

I still agree that Mike Vick should be playing and still think it’s a bit of a rib to let him be active week 3 and on, but it also may be a blessing in disguise. This way he still has time to be get completely acclimated to the offense since he can still practice with the team. Vick will get control pretty quickly, but this also takes away some pressure from having to perform right away, like my first time. Hopefully Vick will get in the game for more the 36.25 seconds.

Back to being off tangents: ohhhh tangerines- They’re so tangy. Anyway, for a team that is so ‘stacked’ on defense and depleted in the receiving corps how does this deal not make sense? By the way , I know I said I wouldn’t get into it, but I’m just not really seeing this ‘epic‘ defense. Believe me, I’m ready to be proven wrong, but I just don’t see the reasoning behind not giving up a LB to get a top WR (who acts like an infant). Also I still see Vernon Gholston as a bigger bust than my girlfriend’s chest and somehow that’s quite a feat (no offense to her- moreso to me). I mean this is all coming from a guy whose worst defense ever faced was the word ‘no’ and the next thing I knew I woke up naked and alone.

In baseball news, David Wright got three RBIs today, but HOLY.FUCKING.HELL let us digress:

I honestly thought that Randy Quaid had ended and quelled our fears of any future attacks of this nature, but seriously what is going on here? I support the facilitation and development of growing a beard, but not an entire mechanized subcontinent on your helmet.

Like I said, when in trouble call DW to bat in 4 hits and some September call up that I don’t want to like because of Shane Spencer got the win after pitching somewhat of a gem.

In other baseball news Curt Schilling said ‘it would be fun’ to occupy the Massachusetts senate seat. Newsflash, Curt-O, A) I fucking loathe you, B) Your bloody sock is the biggest fucking sham I’ve ever seen C) you pitched for Filthadelphia D) You smug bastard E) You will never be half the man the guy who preceded you was and FUCKING F) During a recession let’s go fucking throw a party because it would be like totally fun and kickass if I was able to get a seat in the Senate and be the exact flip flopping jerk-off I’ve been my whole career and then when my tampon fell out and I had to use a sock to clean my axe wound and then I totally flipped the vote because they thought my task was arduous.

For my boy GERRRRRRRY, WOLF PACK, It turns out that Dirk Diggler…errrrr Nowitzki’s girlfriend is not preganant. Hmmm…a woman accused of identity theft and using at least 5 different names lied to a multi-millionaire NBA player about carrying their child, this is actually less shocking than Hedo Turkoglu packing for Toronto. Honestly, I’m really at a loss as to which is a more horrendous breach of a verbal agreement.

This is the second most epic teabag on Portland Stan Van Jeremy has ever seen as he's seen over 1500.

Well, a Wild Card race, of course.

Josh Beckett is taking on Matt Garza in what could be a pretty pivotal game in the wild card race. I still think Texas is going to take the cake, but hey, I’ll root for my Rays because, hell, the Mets are terrible. On another note- David Wright looked like a little leaguer in that helmet last night.

People are harping on Josh Beckett because he seems to have lost some velocity and some control. My appraisal of this situation is who really cares? The guy, as tremendous of a douche as he totally is, will still get you a few wins and a few losses down the stretch is absolutely going to kill it if you can make it to the playoffs. The Red Sox, like the Yankees, don’t necessarily have to rely on just their pitching to get them through and through. Look at AJ Burnett he gave up the lead 3 or 4 times today and the Jankees were still able to muscle on by. This also leads me to my next point.

Lay off Mike ‘There’s a Bat in My’ Pelfrey because the dude is only 25. The New York media gets all over this guy when he goes and has a bad outing. The guy has twice gone out and thrown a complete game with under 100 pitches and I think somewhere in the 103 area. He’s not an innings eater and he does have a bit of trouble getting through the middle inning grind. The Mets, when healthy, have a pretty dominant bullpen- still kind of shitty they let go of Wagner (Billy, not Honus: he’s dead). My point is AJ Burnett goes out and gets drilled like he was spinning balsa wood under the mindful eye of a sixth grade shop student and he gets a once over from Michael ‘I’m the uber-douche who coined the term ‘twilight” Kay (AKA the Al Gore of baseball) while Mike Pelfrey gets bricks thrown at him for ten minutes. Pelfrey is younger, throws a little harder and still does go out there and can perform decently with a decimated team and, of course, MANERGY. Yeah so he’s sub – .500, let’s see where Burnett would be on the Mets right now- probably making everyone watching uncomfortable with the amount he talks to himself after a bad pitch (seriously WTF is with that?).

All in all, with me and both my teams falling out of the picture in terms of hot babes, heavy metal (NEVER!!!) and the playoffs, I’m beginning to wind down on the whole baseball thing. September call-ups mean one thing- football season is starting. September call-ups take so much out of a game, the season winds down and the players you want to watch gets a breather, A MOUTH BREATHER (Bob). You want to know who officially ruined September call-ups for me? Shane ‘Shitbird’ Spencer. The guys melts faces with like at 17 homeruns in September and then completely shit the bed for the rest of his ‘career’.

Turns out my dad got tickets to the Jets-Eagles game for tomorrow night. He turned them down and even though I’m already by far old enough I demanded legal emancipation. So football is a bit of a sore subject, but Derek Anderson and Brady Quinn are in a QB battle? It’s the last game of the preseason and already Eric Mangina is confusing the entire staff, fandom, organization, and his paunch? Unreal, now I’ve always hated Mangini because he looks like a manic depressive version of Kevin James, but it’s high time everyone realize that Derek Anderson F*%@ING blows. Now I know it’s not easy to rule a league with Braylon Edwards dropping everything, well probably including the kitchen sink (them shits be heavy), but he had one good year because, to be honest, nobody expects the Browns to even be mediocre. Brady Quinn looked a lot better last season until he went “undercover hamster hunting” with Richard Gere and broke his pinky.

MORE SPORTS:

Ricky Rubio at first solemnly stated “it was unfortunate Minnesota and Barcelona could not work out a deal, I was really hoping they would, I know they were really trying” to “PSYCHE, I’m not ready for the NBA, also HAVE YOU SEEN SPANISH WOMEN?!?”. This was all the more to Rudy Fernandez’s delight who was quoted as saying

Sweet, bro, more hairless kitty for me.

This leaves me with one thing left to say: Fuck you Manu Ginobli (and ThunderDan) Rudy Fernandez is the only Spanish ‘Man’ in the NBA (Pau Gasol doesn’t count because he may or may not be Chupacabra).

...?!?!?