It’s What You’ve All Been Waiting For

I know I’ve been gone a long time and there really is no excuse. It’s incredibly hard to let go of a solid weekend, a day off and find a rhythm. Moreover, as Shawne (worst spelling ever) Merriman proved that apparently it is also hard to let go of Tila Tequila.

HAHA KITTY!

Now, I know tequila and it can lead to some crazy nights, but there is no way that I can’t disagree with Merriman’s assessment of the night that he ‘thought Tequila was too intoxicated to leave/drive’. I always got the vibe that Tequila was often too drunk to live, much less act in some way human. My guess is that Tequila is some sort of faulty Terminator prototype. ALSO the fact of the matter is that if Shawne Merriman did tear this up on the regular it’s a modern miracle she is alive and/or not bisected in half like Mel Gibson’s wife in ‘Signs’.

Holy Hell, There's a Freight Train Coming (DOUBLE ENTEDRE ACTION!)

Elsewhere, Allen Iverson signed with the Grizzlies?!? I mean it’s a damn shame to see someone like Iverson’s career come to a head the way it did. Everyone always thought that Iverson was an amazing basketball player and I was one of them. However, it is not exactly difficult to see the massive flaws in his game. He is too selfish and too flashy (which is a trait I look for in scantily clad women). It became more than apparent in his time with Denver and then only worked further against him in Detroit. However, perhaps this can reflect well on both OJ Mayo and Michael Conley, Jr. because they’re both ready to take it to the next step and maybe Iverson can get passed himself himself and teach these two a thing or two to take them there.

The Mets somehow are NOT mathematically eliminated from the wild card spot, but as I often state Math is for people from Harvard and Cops who calculate BAC which is totally weak. In the totally inefficient ineptitude of Jerry Manuel he places Carlos Beltran, who was less than stellar in his rehab stints, directly back in the cleanup spot. The Mets needed to call up someone from Williamsport to run this team or bring back Bobby Valentine to make my day.

FINALLY, FOOTBALL SEASON kicks back up tomorrow and I figured you guys/gals may just get a few drunken posts on Sundays. For the cynics out there YOU WILL DEFINITELY GET DRUNKEN POSTS.

Much love for sticking around and as always drink one for the fallen Mets and challenge a friend to DAS BOOT for the fallen Rays. What a shitheap this baseball season has become for me.

VIKING FUNNEL-ALL VI: I Don’t No Where

Apparently Brandon Marshall’s intrigue has piqued in Jets camp, but they are not willing to deal their starting LB Harris. Now, check me if I am wrong because most times I am- remember Vegas in ’07 boys when Matty totally tagged the trannie hooker, but knew she was guy beforehand? Yeah, well neither do I, I’ve never been in Vegas because A) I’m a total prick and B) my parents raised a total prick and finally C) I honestly don’t need any more of reason to engage in debauchery than I already do.

I still agree that Mike Vick should be playing and still think it’s a bit of a rib to let him be active week 3 and on, but it also may be a blessing in disguise. This way he still has time to be get completely acclimated to the offense since he can still practice with the team. Vick will get control pretty quickly, but this also takes away some pressure from having to perform right away, like my first time. Hopefully Vick will get in the game for more the 36.25 seconds.

Back to being off tangents: ohhhh tangerines- They’re so tangy. Anyway, for a team that is so ‘stacked’ on defense and depleted in the receiving corps how does this deal not make sense? By the way , I know I said I wouldn’t get into it, but I’m just not really seeing this ‘epic‘ defense. Believe me, I’m ready to be proven wrong, but I just don’t see the reasoning behind not giving up a LB to get a top WR (who acts like an infant). Also I still see Vernon Gholston as a bigger bust than my girlfriend’s chest and somehow that’s quite a feat (no offense to her- moreso to me). I mean this is all coming from a guy whose worst defense ever faced was the word ‘no’ and the next thing I knew I woke up naked and alone.

In baseball news, David Wright got three RBIs today, but HOLY.FUCKING.HELL let us digress:

I honestly thought that Randy Quaid had ended and quelled our fears of any future attacks of this nature, but seriously what is going on here? I support the facilitation and development of growing a beard, but not an entire mechanized subcontinent on your helmet.

Like I said, when in trouble call DW to bat in 4 hits and some September call up that I don’t want to like because of Shane Spencer got the win after pitching somewhat of a gem.

In other baseball news Curt Schilling said ‘it would be fun’ to occupy the Massachusetts senate seat. Newsflash, Curt-O, A) I fucking loathe you, B) Your bloody sock is the biggest fucking sham I’ve ever seen C) you pitched for Filthadelphia D) You smug bastard E) You will never be half the man the guy who preceded you was and FUCKING F) During a recession let’s go fucking throw a party because it would be like totally fun and kickass if I was able to get a seat in the Senate and be the exact flip flopping jerk-off I’ve been my whole career and then when my tampon fell out and I had to use a sock to clean my axe wound and then I totally flipped the vote because they thought my task was arduous.

For my boy GERRRRRRRY, WOLF PACK, It turns out that Dirk Diggler…errrrr Nowitzki’s girlfriend is not preganant. Hmmm…a woman accused of identity theft and using at least 5 different names lied to a multi-millionaire NBA player about carrying their child, this is actually less shocking than Hedo Turkoglu packing for Toronto. Honestly, I’m really at a loss as to which is a more horrendous breach of a verbal agreement.

This is the second most epic teabag on Portland Stan Van Jeremy has ever seen as he's seen over 1500.

A Ray of Hope

What’s more tantalizing to Josh Beckett than a number 2, King-Sized and a Baskin Robins run?

Well, a Wild Card race, of course.

Josh Beckett is taking on Matt Garza in what could be a pretty pivotal game in the wild card race. I still think Texas is going to take the cake, but hey, I’ll root for my Rays because, hell, the Mets are terrible. On another note- David Wright looked like a little leaguer in that helmet last night.

People are harping on Josh Beckett because he seems to have lost some velocity and some control. My appraisal of this situation is who really cares? The guy, as tremendous of a douche as he totally is, will still get you a few wins and a few losses down the stretch is absolutely going to kill it if you can make it to the playoffs. The Red Sox, like the Yankees, don’t necessarily have to rely on just their pitching to get them through and through. Look at AJ Burnett he gave up the lead 3 or 4 times today and the Jankees were still able to muscle on by. This also leads me to my next point.

Lay off Mike ‘There’s a Bat in My’ Pelfrey because the dude is only 25. The New York media gets all over this guy when he goes and has a bad outing. The guy has twice gone out and thrown a complete game with under 100 pitches and I think somewhere in the 103 area. He’s not an innings eater and he does have a bit of trouble getting through the middle inning grind. The Mets, when healthy, have a pretty dominant bullpen- still kind of shitty they let go of Wagner (Billy, not Honus: he’s dead). My point is AJ Burnett goes out and gets drilled like he was spinning balsa wood under the mindful eye of a sixth grade shop student and he gets a once over from Michael ‘I’m the uber-douche who coined the term ‘twilight” Kay (AKA the Al Gore of baseball) while Mike Pelfrey gets bricks thrown at him for ten minutes. Pelfrey is younger, throws a little harder and still does go out there and can perform decently with a decimated team and, of course, MANERGY. Yeah so he’s sub – .500, let’s see where Burnett would be on the Mets right now- probably making everyone watching uncomfortable with the amount he talks to himself after a bad pitch (seriously WTF is with that?).

All in all, with me and both my teams falling out of the picture in terms of hot babes, heavy metal (NEVER!!!) and the playoffs, I’m beginning to wind down on the whole baseball thing. September call-ups mean one thing- football season is starting. September call-ups take so much out of a game, the season winds down and the players you want to watch gets a breather, A MOUTH BREATHER (Bob). You want to know who officially ruined September call-ups for me? Shane ‘Shitbird’ Spencer. The guys melts faces with like at 17 homeruns in September and then completely shit the bed for the rest of his ‘career’.

Turns out my dad got tickets to the Jets-Eagles game for tomorrow night. He turned them down and even though I’m already by far old enough I demanded legal emancipation. So football is a bit of a sore subject, but Derek Anderson and Brady Quinn are in a QB battle? It’s the last game of the preseason and already Eric Mangina is confusing the entire staff, fandom, organization, and his paunch? Unreal, now I’ve always hated Mangini because he looks like a manic depressive version of Kevin James, but it’s high time everyone realize that Derek Anderson F*%@ING blows. Now I know it’s not easy to rule a league with Braylon Edwards dropping everything, well probably including the kitchen sink (them shits be heavy), but he had one good year because, to be honest, nobody expects the Browns to even be mediocre. Brady Quinn looked a lot better last season until he went “undercover hamster hunting” with Richard Gere and broke his pinky.

MORE SPORTS:

Ricky Rubio at first solemnly stated “it was unfortunate Minnesota and Barcelona could not work out a deal, I was really hoping they would, I know they were really trying” to “PSYCHE, I’m not ready for the NBA, also HAVE YOU SEEN SPANISH WOMEN?!?”. This was all the more to Rudy Fernandez’s delight who was quoted as saying

Sweet, bro, more hairless kitty for me.

This leaves me with one thing left to say: Fuck you Manu Ginobli (and ThunderDan) Rudy Fernandez is the only Spanish ‘Man’ in the NBA (Pau Gasol doesn’t count because he may or may not be Chupacabra).

...?!?!?

With a Heavy Heart

The big news from this weekend could be nothing but the big breaking news- Scott Kazmir was officially traded from the Rays to the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim/Planet Earth/Milky Way Galaxy for four prospects: Johnny Toolo, Don ‘Beaver Hunter’ Juan, Chico ‘El Jefe’ Grande, and Rick Moranis’ ability to grow a mustache (these rights were traded a long time ago). Now I say this with a heavy heart because Scott ‘Scotty Boy’ Kazmir was the reason I began to dig the Tampa Bay Rays and as unfortunate as the Ballad post was I think I can safely say my creepiness has moved on. Kazmir started the 2006 All-Star game and since then as gone somewhat down hill, under 100 K’s, 5.00+ ERA, and he’s a five inning pitcher. Kazmir isn’t going to be an inning eater and that’s going to continue in California. However, it’s tough to see a franchise like the Rays having to make big moves in the middle of a pennant run because of finances. This also bothers me a little bit seeing as how Edwin Jackson is destroying it for the Tigers this season and he’s cheaper than Kazmir so the Rays have lost two potential 2/3 guys in the rotation in under a season. Wonderful.

Tip of the cap and he's outtttta heaaaaaaaaaaaa

It’s tough to be in New York at this point too. Bernie Made-Off can rip off the Mets organization for 700 MILLION , yet the Mets can still retain 88 MILLION dollars of payroll currently on the DL. It’s amazing to me that a team who was, at the beginning of the week, three games out of a very winnable Wild Card birth would trade one of their (loose-term) ‘cornerstone’ players to a team they may have to face in the playoffs (if they can get there).

Elsewhere in baseball, the Yankees will win their division, The Chicago White Sox will neither win their’s nor the wild card. The Detroit Tigers will lose in the first round to the Rangers and the world will be a better place. Brad Penny is getting picked up by the San Francisco Giants who are going with the solid- we have pitching and Pedro Sandoval so, meh, I think that should suffice- gameplan (hint-BAD MOVE), but this is also the franchise that made a pariah out of the all-time homerun champion- so offense isn’t always their forte.

I’m not going to get too psyched about football just yet because the preseason is wicked bogus. However, I will say this: I’m actually pretty pumped about the addition of John Gruden to the MNF staff. I think Tirico is the most useless member of the ESPN family and Ron Jaworski has the whole- I’m an old dude but desperately trying to hold on to my youth and in doing so am beginning to look like a butch lesbian -thing going on. So I think Gruden is actually pretty good and he actually saves the broadcast from a crazier version of James Earl Jones from Field of Dreams and Bruce Vilanch. Gruden was a pretty decent coach and was never given a decent enough payroll to do decent things with decent players unlike the time I coached the last place high school volleyball team where I did indecent things with indecent players. Anyway, I wasn’t really sure how he’d stand up being on the air, but he can actually hold his own and as long as he ceases to make it a point to always talk with his hands i think he’ll fare even better than Dennis Miller.

Another sport that I’m looking forward to, but won’t delve too deep into is basketball. They are now saying that Yao Ming could make a pretty damn surprising return for the 2009-10 season which would be miraculous considering upon the initial injury everyone said it was career ending. Honestly, I mean, for the dude’s livelihood I hope he can play again, but until The Dream Shake comes back to Houston the Rockets are always going to be one step above mediocre. Tracy McGrady hasn’t been a superstar in 3-4 years and things aren’t looking any better for him and now with the bread and butter of the franchise both shrouded in speculation don’t even look for them in the playoffs. Also I hate Shane Battier and the shape of his head frightens me.

VIKING FUNNEL-ALL V: A Penny for Your Thoughts

I took a night off last night so I’ll eat my own damn hat. Luckily, I have a reason- my significant other will be coming to stay with me for awhile and for once I don’t mean tears and organic peanut butter (so smooth). Anyway shall we jump into this? First two things:

1. I am actually drinking on a Thursday for the first time since I began working.

(hold for boos or BOOZE) See what I did there?

2. While at work today someone brought up   and the dude next to me asked me which ones I play. Routinely it’s been MLB ’09.  Then I was asked what my friends and I do when we hang out and quite honestly my response was drink because that’s all we really do. Even when we hang out there’s always drinks involved. Shit my niece is turning 2 and I plan on bringing a cooler full of party. My point is the more I reflect on my life the more I find parallels between myself, my friends and the awesome 2006 Oakland Athletics, which is beyong awesome. Somehow you know they raged harder than the ’08 Rays and they only had one starter over 29 – Carlos Pena and they had mohawks on their side yet still couldn’t surpass the ’06 A’s. In relevant news- The A’s do suck, big time, but let’s just look at this roster:

High Functioning Walking (shit, to me walking is high functioning) drunk Nick Swisher.

Their ERA is the only thing that’s high- Barry Zito and Dan Haren.

Bobby ‘ Born In A Vat of Guiness ‘ Kielty (sidenote- fucking WOW) and Eric ‘ Ossification’ Byrnes.

FRANK FUCKING THOMAS

Eric ‘Especial‘ Chavez- figures he has millions of dollars and still has that shitty fan.

Huston Street was too young to party for some reason I feel like Jason Kendall was the heavy drinking racist uncle and that’s that.

Anyway,

Mike Vick will see some action tonight- I’ll watch. You know what’s going to be awesome? When Vick goes to Cleveland and makes it a point to jump in the Dawg Pound- sweet. Kudos to the overweight blogger who also thought of this.

USC has a freshman quarterback and I don’t care. You could put that guy who writes ‘ShittyMovieReview’ at USC and they’d still win twelve games, well, maybe 6 because he’s a queer.

The big news, for me at least, is that hot on the heels of John Smoltz, Brad Penny was released by the Boston Red Sox today. It is a rent a player situation, but I’ve always thought rather highly of Brad Penny. No lie he was amazing on Florida, but he wasn’t too damn shabby ( I DID NOT SAY SKINNY) on the Dodgers. Yeah, he’s old (or older), but so is Derek Lowe and feel both of these pitchers still have some pretty decent upside. And yes, this would be a situation wherein if the Mets didn’t pull a Kansas City Royals and mail it in after June 3rd I would have said pick up Penny. For real, they should give it some thought because if they want to contend next year just throw some money at Penny like they should have done with Lowe. You already made the mistake once by letting Lowe go (not LONGO) and signing Oliver ‘I Sheet da Bed Meng’ Perez, so learn from your mistakes. Fuck, it’s the Mets they would bang Lorena Bobbit given the chance (when’s the last time you heard that in a joke).

Did I saw Kansas City and fail to mention Zack Greinke- the only reason I own a KC hat, well that and it really brings out the blue in my eyes and the handjobs from the ladies. ANYWAY, Greinke k’ed 15 yesterday and what does that mean? That anxious little guy found himself some Michael Beasley weed!

I’m out!

Irony is Wicked Sweet!

I Pass Out Behind Bars…

Because I drink an atrociously exorbitant amount of alcohol Friday-Sunday which is exactly why I’m not here on those days. God, I can’t wait for Football season to really get started because that’s the only season it is actually widely accepted to get completely shitbombed on a Sunday Afternoon-you lucky bastards on the West Coast get to start the gnarly around 11 AM.

I assure you this is going somewhere. As much as I like to get behind a bar and bust out my Charlie moves I must reiterate my ealier views on never wanting to be in prison. Prison, exactly where Tim Donaghy was and is going back to. Me, I want to give a triumphant YES! when I hear this because Tim Donaghy looks like he would’ve ended up in jail for two reasons: betting on NBA games or touching kids, luckily and fortunately it was only the former. He violated probation or parole, honestly, I have no idea what the difference between the two is. I had a friend who was on probation once, actually I have a couple friends that were/ are on it. WTF?!? C’mon friends, it’s not like I’m actually in the NBA or even get paid to do this at a ridiculously large sum (or any compensation whatsoever) but when I do let me assure you all your past trangressions shall be turned aside. I will bankroll you in return I only ask for your indentured servitude.

It’s that time of the baseball season:

WILDCARD BITCHES:

I try to keep a low key about the Tampa Bay Rays, mostly because I’m tired of taking shit for liking them, but moreso because it makes me have outbursts like this. Moreover, the Rays are currently sitting 3 games out of the [h]unt of the playoffs. For the first time in my life I’m giving the Jankees a slight chance to have me root for them because of their schedule. If the Yankees continue rolling and take Texas that gives some leeway for the Rays to pick up some games. The Jankees taking Boston also helped this. Things I don’t root for? THE FUCKING YANKEES or Joe Maddon with black bullshit hair.I think if the Rays can find their stride like they did at the end of last season, it’s just time to buckle down and get ready for the home stretch. I’m hoping Boston can continue to falter although I don’t necessarily see it happening and where in the holy hell did Texas even come from. Editor’s note- I am aware of how dirty Ian Kinsler is (he would have ruined people if stayed healthy last year and he’s not piecing together a terrible season this year either)

Someone is leading the NL wildcard race.

The Mets, however, their season is toast. Like I ‘reported’ yesterday Johan will miss his next start….annnnnnd the rest of the season. Also like I said yesterday the Mets should have been keeping an eye on him- like Dateline ‘To Catch a Predator’ – type keeping an eye on him. I stated taht he had some arm issues earlier this season and it turns out that he’s been ailing since the All-Star break. In the mires of the Mets season it is easy to blame Omar Minaya and Jerry Manuel, shiiiiiiit, I do it every post, but how in the wide world of sports is the Mets medical staff not getting blamed. They have one, one specialist, the team Dr. that a lot of other teams also use, but someone, some group of people have to be just completely screwing the pooch on rehab assignments and no one is being held accountable. Jose Reyes was supposed to be out max- 2 weeks and was supposed to be back two weeks ago along with Carlos Delgado and Carlos Beltran. None of them are around today and the only surprise is Billy Wagner who was traded. JJ Putz got shut down for reasons that could either be the season is cooked or his rehab is. It’s really a wildcard at this point. The Mets just need to fire everyone it is what Al Davis is going to do in 3 years when he is dementia ridden enough to do so. Wilpons- I leave it to you to beat him to the punch.

My Diatribe is My Dogma ( HOW METAL IS THAT?!? )

UPDATE: I still feel exactly the same way about Mark Sanchez after watching that game last night, so new news there.

Let Us Discus

I think the discus is a badass event, but other than that I know nothing about it.

I do have quite a bit to bro-down on, brah.

Mike Vick seems to be getting acclimated very easily into the Eagles offensive system, which just goes to show you, I am somewhat of a Sports Blog genius or a Savant whichever you prefer. Moreover, there is some hoop-la and even some hysteria over a candid photo taken of Vick in a Filthadelphia airport. Mike, I got your back, and let me break it down for you:

A: Is there any other way to cope with being in Filthadelphia?

B: Is there any other way to celebrate leaving Filthadelphia?

C: It is completely asinine to assume that the booze drove Vick to dog fighting. Oh, no, he had a drink he’s gonna relapse and start starving dogs. No, he’s human, he likes to imbibe on some libations. He’s not 17 or 20 he’s borderline 30, he’s a grown man and yeah, he’s made some bad decisions, but I don’t think one drink is gonna ruin him. People think he’s John Daly or something (1/2 iced tea, 1/2 lemonade [arnold palmer], huge splash of vodka).

Did someone say Mike and rehab? It brings me to my favorite butler-themed name in the NBA- Michael Beasley. Beasley checked into a rehab facility in Houston earlier today  for depression and possible substance abuse. At this point it is thought that his marijuana use has gotten out of control. Here’s my update, you smoke enough weed, you’re bound to come down on yourself at some point. So Michael Beasley got some weird chronic and gave him an all-time low. He’s a 20 year old that didn’t quite live up to the expectations laid out for him and the pressure got to him. To me this is no big deal, he’ll bounce back (DO YOU SEE WHAT I DID THERE-hint-like a basketball). Like anyone else the Beas just needs to mature a little more and get his head on straight.

Uh-oh, it seems as if it’s that time of the post and it’s not even bleeding. My colleague THUNDERDAN seemed to find a solid way to end Sunday’s game by magnificently hitting into an unassisted triple play, which is both sad, and atrocious when you consider it was turned by Eric Bruntlett. Eric Bruntlett is the poor man’s Jason Bartlett, think about it.

The Mets let go of Billy Wagner who was so badass when he was younger he broke his right arm and learned to throw heat lefty by throwing a baseball at the side of him barn. Now I wouldn’t necessarily care about this move if I didn’t think the Mets owed some dignity to Billy Wagner, a guy who has stuck by the team through everything. Also the Mets have really no idea what is going on with their injuries i.e. JJ Putz so I do take umbrage with that fact. Granted, you can’t base everything off of one inning of work, but Wagner did look solid in his debut.

FINALLY, as if the woes couldn’t continue to get worse, Johan Santana will miss a start with pain in his elbow which is always great news for a pitcher that you shelled out 100+ million for. The Mets should’ve pulled a Joba Chamberlain and kept a watchful eye on Santana. The season is over, it really is, there’s no reason Santana should have gone 7-8 innings into a game at this point. He had arm issues earlier this season, but it’s also bullshit to go all Monday Morning Quarterback on this because for all I and the organzation knew he could have been somewhere near an 18 game winner this season (he still could be).

Speaking of quarterbacks the Jets unveiled Mark Sanchez as the starter for the game against the Ravens and on the first drive he threw a pick six. My thoughts and hypothesis- Sanchez is truly more talented than Kellan Clemens, but once again needs the time to acclimate himself to the league. It’s incredibly hard to deal with the NY pressure and take on Ray Lewis at the same time and holy hell did Lewis absolutely destroy him. If the Jets decide to stick with Sanchez I do believe he will continue to struggle, but will hit his stride around week 6. It all depends on if the Jets are patient enough and their defense is good enough to support that decision.

Well, that’s it folks, have a good one and drink a beer for your fallen Mets.

The Original Mark Sanchez